Happy Anniversary my darlin’,
Today, we have been married a whole 5 years. And my God, what a 5 years it has been. So many wonderful things have happened to me, I have felt strong enough to experience so many things for myself because you have built me up so much.
I couldn’t have done any of it without you. I know I frustrate you when I am too afraid to try, when I am sure “I can’t do it”. Because you have always been so sure that I, in fact, can, even if I don’t know it for myself.
You have always known. No one has ever believed in me the way you do and it has given me strength I never knew I had.
Because of you, I’ve earned my driving licence, started (and almost finished) my degree – just 8 months to go til graduation! I’ve seen places in the world I never imagined I’d get to.
I’ve faced my deep-seated self hatred, I’ve admitted how hard it is facing a life where disabled identity is inescapable and I have deemed myself important enough to work on all the enmeshed mental health issues. You have sat, endlessly, patiently, pulling me from lonely silences with love and support. You have let me cry, rage and scream without judgement. You see the struggle and pain and I know it hurts you too. I know you want to take it from me. I love you so much for it, for staying beside me and helping me to the place where I want to make myself strong again. I can only do it because I know you’re there beside me. I have only been able to learn that I am important because you have never stopped telling me how much I matter. There is nobody else in the world that could have made me believe that.
You have given me the world, all of our own creation. I never thought I’d have my own home, much less everything we’ve built within it. I am safe here. I am happy here. It is mine. You did that.
But more than anything else we have done, or could ever do, you made me into the person I most wanted to be. I am Mummy. Not once, but twice. My heart is fuller than I ever knew that it ever had the capacity to be. You did that.
For the first time in my life, I have a sense of purpose that matters beyond anything I have known before. You did that.
You helped me see that it is not “keeping up with everyone else” that matters. I do not need to crucify myself physically or emotionally in order to maintain a 9 to 5 because it is the “done thing”. Instead, you are working yourself harder than I have ever seen anyone do, at something you love, for the people you love. So that I can focus on our beautiful daughters without sacrificing my health and wellbeing.
This is such a huge adjustment on my part and an absolute gift to me on your part. It never occurred to me life would have to be this way. You broke it to me years before we had children. You were kind as ever, but matter of fact too. You just saw it as the best way to take care of me, to ensure we lived our best life together. I argued it was a burden, a sacrifice but you have always maintained it is a simple and easy choice. You won’t let me feel like a burden and that determination in you makes me feel so loved.
I’m not sure you know it, but you are undoubtedly the person I needed most in this world, this life. And looking at our little family, I thank my lucky stars every day that the universe conspired to bring us together.
I’m grumpy, tired, anxious and defensive most days I know. I’m sure I must be a bloody nightmare to live with. But I also know there’s nowhere either of us would rather be. We fit, we belong together. I know we challenge each other to be our best, that we’re determined to give no less to our beautiful daughters.
I know you are where I feel safest, strongest and most loved. I never really believed this was a possibility when I was younger but as ever, you’re proving me wrong and I’m so glad you are.
I love you with all my heart darlin’ and I cannot wait to grow older, stronger and more belligerent with you! You are the best person I know and I am so proud to be your wife, to call you my husband and to know every day that I chose the best father in the world for our little girls.
Thank you for everything you are and everything you have made me and our family ❤