This post exists for posterity.

At 10:09am, on Wednesday 12th August 2020, in the midst of the scariness and craziness of the COVID-19 pandemic and its lockdowns, the world gave me one of my greatest gifts, the final little piece of our family puzzle, to complete us.

Gabby was born on one of the hottest days of the year, with huge, loud storms raging outside the hospital’s immovable windows as the heat tried to break. I can still remember the sweat pouring down my back and how relieved I was at my £5 panic buy of a handheld fan. It remains to this day, the best £5 I have ever spent. I think it might actually have saved both our lives.

Kev, as per the COVID regs at the time, was required to leave us once we went to the ward, so Gabby was all mine from about 2 hours old. I am very aware of what a gift that was. I am grateful that Gabby will never remember how crestfallen her loving daddy was at having to put her back in the cot and say goodbye to us both. He was so instantly in love with her, as was I.

She stayed by my side for the storm and I feel strongly that this encapsulates Gabby’s first few years on this crazy planet. She was with me. In her innocence, she gave me something to focus on as I was forced to deal with bereavements I had no idea were to come when she joined us in the world. She gave me routine and focus when I sank into the longest, darkest depression of my life.

The law at the time meant that Gabby didn’t get to meet any of her extended family, as is customary when a new baby arrives. All she had was me, her dad and her big sister, whom she adored from the off. I could not know that the restriction of these laws meant that the first time my precious little girl would meet my side of the family would be when we went to scatter my mum’s ashes, having never gotten to hold her granddaughter.

That bubble however, is something I am, all things considered, grateful for. No pressure existed because there was nowhere to go. As my mental health became more challenged, this happy little girl did not know that she had been born at such a disadvantage. She still grew. She still needed me although thankfully little, and the robotics of routine gave me something to focus on that didn’t hurt. The routine of milk-burp-cuddle-sleep was all I needed to keep going. I could do that, because it was instinctive. Even at my worst, I am proud to say I still had that instinct. To be Mum was enough during these scary times. My baby still became herself.

Gabby’s babyhood seems to have lasted longer than Immy’s. Of course, it didn’t, but their time passed within very different societies. Immy was at nursery by 8 months old so I could return to work, Gabby wasn’t even permitted to go and meet other babies in a church hall to sing nursery rhymes.

I got to cherish Gabby’s milky scent and stare at her sleepy face and tiny fingers and toes. That blessing is one of very, very few I got out of lockdown and I can feel guilty that Immy did not get the same. But they did get each other.

Immy has a story that she selected Gabby as her sister when she was selecting her own family up in Heaven. She has, in this case, always known that Gabby would be part of our family one day. I love that.

Except now, milky smells and sleepy babies are past. Now, I have a THREE YEAR OLD. And I have no idea where the intervening time went.

I feel as though I have never had a three year old before. Immy was just 3 months into her 3rd year of life when we were locked indoors for almost 2 years, so she did not get to experience her world as 3 year olds should.

So I am determined to let Gabby enjoy being 3 in any and every way she wants to, because so many choices were unavailable when she came into this world.

Her current sources of enjoyment include:

• Peppa Pig & Paw Patrol
• Pizza
• Her best friend “Mimogen”
• The movie Zootropolis
• Swings
• Riding her balance bike to school
• Copying her sister dancing to Kidz Bop videos on Youtube. Her current favourite is “Shake It Off” and there is nothing cuter than a tiny girl shouting “Hey! Hey! Hey!” at you before she starts singing about the “liars & dirty-dirty cheats…”
• Her rainbow blanket & her beloved “Judy Bunny” who is actually a Flospy bunny from Peter Rabbit, her welcome-to-the-world gift from her Nanny & Granddad, named for Judy Hops from Zootropolis.

I cannot believe she got so big so soon. Gabby is my beautiful, loving, funny, confident, brave baby girl. Except….Y

In anticipation of wearing the pink Happy Birthday party hat she selected for herself in the card shop this week, my littlest girl declared:

“I not a baby. I a big girl!”

Yes. Yes you are. my Gabby Gabster.

Happy 3rd birthday.