Today is World Mental Health Day. When we have to recognise a potentially fragile and neglected part of ourselves or someone we love, or barely know at all, and promise to do better at nurturing and protecting ourselves because we agree that we deserve it.
This is the exact thing I swore to work on this year. To be honest and raw and to let myself feel my own strength and feel deserving of each happiness.
It can be so hard knowing who to trust with the everchanging state of our mental health, especially when we’re not to grips with it ourselves.
Even now, all these months later, I can barely get past the recognition of “I don’t feel well.”
They are just 4 words. And yet they are just 2 words out there that I have herd with alarming frequency recently. Two words that can keep me from ever being honest with you, when I might most need your help. They stop me trusting you.
Many things Are. Life.
Births. Marital squabbles. Your Amazon parcel being delivered 10 doors down. The car breaking down.
All normal things I accept are happening to all of us every day.
But please, I beg you, ever brush off anybody’s concerns with a “That’s life.”
Because if I am feeling brave enough to share with you the worries and fear that keep me from sleeping, or feeling like a fully functioning human, then that fear, it is consuming me. I am losing a battle with darkness and I cannot feel the ground under my feet. I am lost and frightened. I am reaching out to you, for a hand to steady me.
It may be life. But in uttering a word of my concerns, I am acknowledging I cannot cope alone. “That’s life” dismisses the nerve I had to work up and worse, it leaves me alone still in that darkness.
Rain makes puddles in my kitchen. That’s life.
Except I’m now not safe in my own home. Which means now that nowhere feels safe and I live in constant fear of slipping or falling, because so long as it’s wet outside, it can’t be fixed.
CP has finally claimed my ability to work. I accept I am made too tired to carry on. That’s life.
Except without my salary, I don’t know if we’ll be able to fix the broken bathroom floor I worry about tripping on, or fixing our patched up electrics.
Worse, without my salary, I don’t know if we’ll be able to afford a much longed for second child.
That’s life right?
Except being a mother has given me the only peace this world, this body has allowed me. It is the only way I hav been able to make sense of myself or stand the pain I live with everyday.
If I cannot do it again, I will be heartbroken and though he’ll never say, so will the man I love more than anything.
It may be life, but it’s so unbearably hard. I would never presume to understand the life any one person lives. We will have experiences in common by virtue of human nature.
But it is so dangerous to presume that this life, anybody’s life is bearable everyday. It is not simply made so because “That’s life.”