Sounds like I’m being chastised or threatened right?

Quite the contrary, this statement represents my biggest breakthrough in almost 3 years of counselling.

I described to my counsellor the jangly feeling I seemed to constantly have, like there isn’t enough time to cherish my girls and take care of myself the way I have learnt I need to. That I was worried I was being an unkind mum, wishing my last tiny baby away to school.

“Or maybe…” he suggested gently. “It’s that inner child you’ve worked so hard to care for getting excited for her time.”

“Excited to live?” I pondered. I thought I’d feel guilty but I was oh so calm because the notion made sense. It wasn’t wrong or bad. It was true.

Today, I am 35 years old. That’s long enough to not have liked myself or allowed myself to enjoy the world, surely?

“But…” I confessed awkwardly. “I worry because…. it’s like I have my back up against this wall I’ve built to protect myself. If I can’t do right by everyone…. myself, my family…. I’m scared it’s all going to start cracking and fall down around me.”

“Turn around and face the wall Jo. You don’t need your back to it. Even if cracks appear, it’s not going to come down. You’ve built it strong. You are strong.”

I sat, stunned. Because the instinct to make myself smaller didn’t come. For the first time ever, smiling dumbfounded, I was able to say “I am, aren’t I? It hasn’t come down yet and I did that.”

Nothing is crumbling. No-one’s in danger.

It’s time to live. At last.

And it’s OK to say I can’t wait.