This post exists for posterity, as a celebration of how damn hard I have worked to come back to myself.

I am not, by nature, a bragger. I do not feel my own achievements. I have lived a life where I believed I could have done better, tried harder, been more. I have found myself wanting in every area, every year of my life. I have not, for the longest time been my own friend.

But, this year, I can proudly say I have worked hard enough at my own happiness and sense of self to be proud of myself. I’m alright really. So please, either feel free to leave me to my pride, or pull up a chair and celebrate with me.

As a mum, time and energy is lost.

As a disabled woman, my physical capacities are diminishing. Slowly. But still.

And so, here in this space, I want to celebrate the fact that I am not beaten yet. I am enough. I am grown, in comparison to last year. I am growing still.

Physical achievements

• I have gotten my weight back below 10 stone. Not until December, but down is down, my body is less burdened. I even managed to do up a pair of jeans. In December. How is that not winning? NB. This didn’t last because it’s Christmas. But it happened and it can happen again because I have built the capacity to care about my body rather than loathe it for housing too much (so much!) chocolate.
• I have given up milk and caffeine in favour of oat milk and decaf tea. My head no longer bangs, my stomach no longer turns.
• I have walked, over the course of 365 days, 1000 miles. Some days, through pain, there’s been no more than 100 shuffling steps around my house. But on good, warm days, I have been free to let my legs carry me, to let them work.
• I have drunk at least 2 litres of water every day. My head hurts less, my skin is smoother and more hydrated.
• I have, after years of disliking my smile, come to peace with it, whitening my teeth at home twice a week. I love having the excuse to smile now.
• I have undertaken my physiotherapy at home every day this year, having committed for the first time in my life to my own self maintenance.
• I have finally begun to take care of my face in an age appropriate way (because I am she of dark circles, bags and crows feet. It is undeniable now so I may as well be kind about it with a bit of eye cream and moisturiser.)
• My Motability car arrived this month. We’ve gone 8 months with no car at all for our family, which helped my walking challenge. But this weekend, I drove for the first time in 3 years. I hate it, it’s such a physical drain for me, having to concentrate and respond so instinctively. But I did it. I can do it. So on I go, otherwise, what is the point?
• I go to bed at 9pm 4 days a week. Or at least I have for the last 6 months. Oh, how I love sleep.
• I am slowly learning what an utter marvel this body of mine is. No, it isn’t like most people’s. It was injured straight out the starting blocks. And yet somehow, has found a way to get me up on my own two feet. Awkward, yes, wonky definitely but it has found a way to make things work that the blueprint says are beyond hope. I’ve nurtured two babies and I’m still going. How can that not be marvellous? I am learning to look on my body as a determined friend now. I hope we’ll take care of each other.

Intellectual achievements

• I completed a year long writing course from Daily OM called “A Year to Simplify Your Life.” It was marvellous.
• I gave up social media back in February, when the writing course questioned my reliance on technology, specifically the intrusion of social media on our time and habits. I was embarrassed to record over the course of a week how many times my hand instinctively reached to do nothing other than doomscroll. The burden of presenting a highlight reel and measuring up to those of others was immediately lifted and I have felt so much lighter ever since because I only need to be able to answer to myself now.
• I began learning Italian in June when we decided to visit Naples this year to celebrate my lovely mother in law’s 75th birthday. It was a beautiful trip, a bucket list item for me and I have studied on Duolingo for nearly 200 days. And well, if the compliments one very lovely waiter gave me in a restaurant, questioning if I was the Italian in our group because I spoke so well. So I have continued, seeing language as a gift, as an excuse to return to Italy again. To keep my brain ticking.
• I took up reading again when shunning social media opened up time to put to good use. I got myself an Audible subscription and booted up the local library app to devour their audio books too. I love to hold a book and turn pages, but that’s for when there’s time to be curled up in a chair in a coffee shop. Audiobooks are the way forward. For the school run, for putting the washing away, for the bath. This year, I have stormed through 60 books. Self help books about relationships and parenting to expand my mind and self confidence. Celeb autobiographies because I’m nosy. Chick lit about stressed out mums for some solidarity and light relief. I have absolutely loved it. I hope next year to read a book every 2 week. I have a long enough list curated to last me into 2025. It is a pleasure.  

Emotional achievements

• I have meditated every day this year. I am slowly learning to take a breath and recognise when there is a lot on my mind.
• I will write lists when there is too much, so that worries can exist somewhere else and help me talk about it without it disturbing my sleep.
• I have been in counselling now for almost 2 years. A safe space where I can be sure I am heard and look after myself, because I finally know that I am allowed to do that, that I am worthy of that self-care.
• I completed a book and a workbook this year called Healing Your Lost Inner Child. No hint of exaggeration, this book changed my life, because it taught me that I wasn’t broken, but traumatised. I have been through so much and now, it is time to let the hurt go because I can be on my own side.
• The book has helped me recognise when I am triggered, so to question my immediate responses. I am learning to say sorry  when I should. I am learning to accept, through teaching my daughters the same, that we are “Perfectly Imperfect” & that this is how we should be. Perfection is not real, nor attainable. We are emough.
• I am slowly learning to listen to myself when things feel too much or I am overloaded with commitments. I am starting to say “no” & my God, is it powerful.
• I have journalled every day this year. It helps me keep perspective on my day and to feel heard. I intend to do the same next year.
• I have entered something into my gratitude app every day this year. Small things, the funny things or loving things the kids have said. It helps me feel good to reflect that every day hasn’t been the bad day I would otherwise instinctively assume it was.

So, in review, a huge number of positive changes. I am on my way. Nearly at peace. Good enough.

Happy New Year