Every mum in the world will ask herself this question… and doubt the response. But I feel as though I’m battling additional demons.
I fall a little bit more in love with Squidge every day. The little star is sleeping through the night at the moment, she’s loving having a cot to sleep in. My stomach does a happy little flip when I look into her cot every morning and she kicks her legs excitedly, grinning and stretching her arms up because she’s happy to see me. Every day, I am amazed at the sight of her, I am amazed that someone so beautiful is mine.
I love the peace that exists between the two of us when I feed her her breakfast bottle, she looks at me with such trust, her little hand wrapped round my finger.
I tend to her. I sing silly songs and revel in her smiles and giggles when I tell her she’s beautiful.
But I haven’t left the house in 3 days.
I haven’t even got dressed.
I know this doesn’t matter to Squidge. But it matters to me.
I didn’t go to baby massage on Tuesday. Or the Tuesday before. Too much pain the week before that. So I wasted £27 on that booking… opportunities for new mummy friends wasted. Bad Jo.
It’s just too much emotional prep to get the pram off the wall, walk the bag and the baby up and down the stairs. I want to do it but it’s like I’m scared of experiencing the pain again.
I want to meet people, I want Squidge to meet people, she’d love it. I want her to see things, I want her to get out in the world and not be reclusive like I am.
I want maternity leave to be a special time for us because we’ll not get it back. And I feel like I’m wasting our time. I want to kick myself up the arse. Kev says I’m too hard on myself but sitting indoors isn’t doing any good. I wish I could teach Squidge to shout at me but that’s not her job, nor can I make it.
I want to try walking into town, to get some mobility back, have a chance at walking off some of my baby weight. But what if that’s too much? What should I do then?
It seems as though there aren’t many groups in the centre of Cardiff for mums and babies. The idea of wrestling with 2 buses each way just for an hour’s chit chat definitely is too much.
And even if I did manage to walk any distance, what’s the point without a purpose; a destination or someone to meet? That’s just wasting energy to save me being bored.
I can’t seem to strike a balance. Look after myself or foster a social life for me and my little girl? *sigh* Why can’t I do both?
It’s not fair. I don’t want either of us to be lonely. I need to be able to make positive changes now… and if my daughter can’t be the motivator, then even I know I have no hope.