Becoming herself

In case you haven’t guessed by now, I am completely in love with my little girl. She is so many things to me; so many things that every other parent in the world would insist their precious ones were to them. But, somehow, I truly believe that Squidge means more.

She doesn’t yet know that she is the reason I get out of bed. She is the reason 6am starts with a head over the cot shouting “Hiya! Hiya! HIYA!” down the corridor is fine; even when all you wanted was to have the first wee of the day in peace. I love the structure and reassurance she brings into my world with her very existence. I know who I am with Squidgelet, what’s expected of me and I take pride in doing it all well.

Seriously, all of it. Getting her a cup of milk. Making sure she gets her 5 a day. Making sure she goes outside and sees our little corner of the world to call home. Making sure she smiles every day.

Although these things may seem simple, sometimes, they might as well be the hardest tasks in the world. Keeping house and raising happy healthy babies are jobs so many of us undertake. I often wonder how anyone could do it alone. Kev comes from a single parent family. I know he sees his mum as a beacon of integrity and accomplishment. The lady did good.

And of course, I’m lucky enough to have Kev. I’m equally lucky to be a part time working mummy, so I’m the one that gets to have days at home with her. And sometimes, those days can be lonely, because it feels like all the responsibility is mine. But also, sometimes, I look at my baby and realise, with a mixture of absolute pride and complete nostalgia, that she is a baby no more. I’ve been saying this – and believing it too – since she was about 6 months old. But it is so very true now. My baby can do so many things now.

  • She climbs up and down the stairs herself – or she’ll copy me and shuffle down on her bum
  • She’ll sweep the floors with a brush
  • She’ll put every nappy in the bin
  • She’ll lift her arms to help me dress her
  • She’ll take my hand and take me to her cupboard full of snacks and toiletries – normally for a biscuit, but she’ll go and collect her toothbrush at bedtime
  • She’ll take the washing in and out of the machine on demand for me
  • She’ll grab the milk out the fridge, flick the kettle on and put the tea bag in the cup
  • She will unfold her nappy for me, lying back on the changing mat.

She is so helpful, so capable.

And I am loving it. Because being her caregiver is getting easier and so much more enjoyable. She’s so engaging, scrambling up my lap to eat her toast at teatime, or bringing me her shoes because she’s ready to go out.

I am so enjoying the days I get at home with her now, especially with the nice weather when we can just pootle into town or go to the swings.

Because of her, I have developed a concept that helps me recognise how well we’re doing together.

#mummywins

Mummy won last week when for the first time, I took her to GymTots by myself. Gymnastics softplay, and when she’s a bit older she’ll be able to actually start gymnastics class. I’m so excited for her to start trying different things and finding the things that make her busy and happy. At Gymtots, she tears around on all the mats and play equipment. When she was smaller, I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to keep her safe. But she loved it, climbing up the slide over and over. Then we went to the shops.

Today, we did the same and I even managed a proper conversation with another grown up. That’s a big deal for me, I get so shy and stressed out. So not only did I manage to get Squidge out on time to attend a class, I walked us there and managed to be sociable! Major wins for me.

Yesterday, it was raining, so we got on the bus and went to the supermarket. I always deliberate try and leave a couple of things we need from the shop so that I have to get her out. Poor love got rained on a bit and by the time we were done it was lunchtime. And truthfully, I was dreading waiting for the bus home with poor Squidge getting hungrier and hungrier and more irate. All we had yesterday was time. And so, I made the decision to buy us lunch in the café.

That’s the first time I’ve ever felt brave enough for us both to eat out. It was a different situation when all she needed was a cuddle and a bottle. She needs constant supervision with her food now and I get so swept up in running round after her needs, I often forget my own (plus side of that is I’m grabbing lots of fruit on the go and have lost a few pounds!)

But she was brilliant and it was such a lovely time to spend with my poor drenched girl. I am so grateful to have this time with her, because it is so awesome to spend time with this little person. That’s what it is. Not just caring for her. But sitting across the table from her, letting her steal bites of my lunch and asking if it tastes nice, hearing her go “Mmmmm!”

I am having so much fun being Squidge’s mum. And I feel so proud of myself each time we get out of the house. Between us, we’re gettig this. And that’s why #mummywins

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