Today, there are not enough spoons

I was recently introduced to the Spoon Theory. It was a way for someone to explain how they lived their life with a chronic illness.

Essentially, every day, you wake up with a certain number of “spoons” to get through the day. How you choose, or how you are able to attribute them to all the activities you have no choice but to do, starting with getting out of bed, will affect the spoons you are left with. Any overspend will spill over into your next day and your next day, with less and less spoons.

Read about spoon theory more in depth here

Yesterday, I actually went out-out. I went with a friend to see Ed Sheeran in concert. I’ve been to enough gigs to know that 11pm is a standard finish time. I’ve been struggling with my condition and my depleting energy levels for long enough to know that 11pm is a hard task for me. I made myself go for a nap at the same time as Squidge yesterday afternoon, napping like a rockstar (I managed an hour) to try and claim back enough spoons for the evening.

Even though I really enjoyed myself, I was still yawning by 10pm. Didn’t manage to get home til gone midnight. I can never fall asleep immediately either, so I didn’t get to sleep til 1am.

I already made the smart decision to swap my working days this week so that I didn’t have to concentrate at a desk for 10 hours after I was bound to already be knackered. But I still find it daft I have to constantly give considerations like that, such is the life of a “spoonie”.

It transpired that Squidge would be home with me today. And bless her, I was anticipating the normal 6am wake up call. We actually both slept in til 7:30am, which is very respectable for a certain little miss.

I had the best of intentions today. Small goals. I just wanted to get dressed and go outside. But simply put, I don’t have enough spoons. I’ve cheated my poor girl by putting her back to bed for an afternoon nap when in fact, she brought me her shoes, signalling she wanted to go out too. So I feel like I have let her down today.

Today, I’ve left her nappy off as she’s run around. So essentailly, she’s wee’d on the floor 3 times, in my lap 3 times, poo’ed on the rug. Seriously, that kind of clean up really takes some spoons.

I have to mention that at least one wee and poo has made it into the potty today and I am so immensely proud of her. But my God, what a day. I need a seriously long shower (can’t even do that if she is napping as the shower room is right next to her bedroom and bless her, with the heat, she’s gone off to sleep anyway!) just to feel clean again.

It’s not much fun waiting for the stores to reset themselves day by day. Sometimes now, which I never used to do before, I literally hit the proverbial wall and just have to say that I’m “done with the day” and bugger off to bed at 7pm because I can’t be doing with it anymore.

And honestly, today, I’m all out of spoons. I’m disappointed. But it’s just another day. I have to hope, for Squidge’s sake, that tomorrow I’ll have more spoons left over and be able to give her more.

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