You’re still my baby. For all your confidence and independence, you are my baby and I am the mummy. It is my job and my privilege to take care of you.
My heart is happiest when we have days like this in the park… I wish you could know how beautiful you are my little sunshine.
But we haven’t made it to the park today. As I write, you’re napping on the sofa beside me, Freddie tucked up under your head. You’re so peaceful.
I’m not. Working from home without all the trappings of adjustable screen risers and chairs is taking its toll… one I didn’t even think to expect. That happens to me a lot now and I’m getting more and more frustrated. It’s horrible having no understanding of your own body. It’s so unfair.
My back has been in constant spasm. I didn’t even understand that I suffered muscle spasms at all until recently. My back has been constantly tense, my muscles feel solid and useless. Every little movement hurts today and it has made me feel a terrible mummy.
I couldn’t lift you up… even when you asked so politely with your please and thank you. You couldn’t understand why because you’re so small and you’re still learning. But the pressure of you asking continually made me burst into tears.
You understand what it means to cry now and tried to distract me with songs and games and shouts of “Mummy!” You have such a big heart, darling girl. I tried very hard to stop crying… for you.
But it breaks my heart that I will have to explain to you so many times and in so many ways as you get older all the things that Mummy finds hard… and harder.
I don’t want you to hate my differences. And the only way I can expect that to be what you learn is if I teach you. So I have to learn not to hate them either. But oh, when they sneak up on me like this, a nasty little reminder that I am not in control of my own body, it gets so hard.
So I’m so sorry if I shouted Squidge, or if I made you feel sad. Mummy is struggling today. Because I so wish I didn’t have to share this pain with you. Today I could not hide it.
I’m sorry we couldn’t go to the park.