Another year has rung in. Everyone on social media is doing the #10yearchallenge to contrast (and hopefully celebrate) the decade gone by.
But it’s more poignant for me. At the end of the month, (January 30th to be exact) it will be 10 full years since, a bit worse for wear, I met a man outside my favourite nightclub. We didn’t know it then, but I would become this man’s wife and I would become the mother of his children.
In the last 10 years, I have hit so many milestones, so many I never expected to, because I just didn’t believe I could.
But that’s OK, because Kev did.
In the last 10 years, I have
❤ fallen in love
With a wonderful man that loves me too, when I never thought it could be possible
🏠 moved out of my family home
🌆 moved cities (twice)
I hate moving. I’m very glad to call South Wales my adopted home now.
💍 got engaged
👰 got married
It will be our 5th wedding anniversary this September. I have absolutely no idea where that time went, but am so pleased to report we are still very much where we belong. Together.
👩💻 started my OU degree
This is one of the things I am proudest of. I started my six year course 4 weeks into married life, because I’d finally run out of excuses as to why I couldn’t, and so I knew I had to try. This is the one thing that is simply for me, and I am on course to graduate next year. I don’t know how the time has gone so fast, but I love it so much.
✈ gone to Disneyworld
Here I learned that if you’re sat in a wheelchair (because walking hurts when you’re 3 months pregnant and have CP to contend with) most of the employees assume you’re deaf and mute and just talk over you! It made me feel so sad.
🚄 gone to Paris & the Moulin Rouge!
I have wanted to go to Paris since I was young, after falling in love with the film Moulin Rouge. I finally made it there with my best friend in the world when I was 5 months pregnant and snuck Squidge some prosecco during the show. Not gonna lie, she loved it – and so did I! A total bucket list weekend and I’m so glad I had a friend that was determined I would live it – even if it meant her pushing me in a wheelchair up the hideous inclines of Parisian hills.
👶 met Squidge and finally understood what I am for 😍
What can I say? After the trauma of our birth story, this little girl is my greatest gift.
🏠 bought our forever home
Not going to lie, in places it is a shambles. But like I said, we’re never moving again without a lottery win, so we’re determined to spend our lives making it our own little peace of heaven. I love having somewhere to feel safe that is all mine. I never thought it would happen and credit one incredibly hard working husband that I am incredibly proud of.
🚗 got my driving licence after 7 years
Hardest won fight of my life I think. I can’t say I enjoy driving and I am not confident and even a year later only go where I have to. But that doesn’t have to matter does it? The point is, I’ve given myself choices, because someone believed in me enough that I indeed proved I can.
🏝 gone to Cuba and swam with dolphins
I’d recommend Cuba as a holiday destination to anyone. I have the beaches at sunset as my background on my work laptop for when I need a bit of peace. I was so scared to leave Squidge for the first time, but I swear, that island was paradise, and in contrast to Disney, I couldn’t believe how attentive the locals were to my CP. They didn’t know what it was. They didn’t ask. They just looked me in the face and asked if I wanted their hand. It was wonderful to be treated like a person, to feel the beautiful sun on my skin. If you ever get the opportunity to go, go! You won’t regret it.
👨👩👧 took Squidge on her first family holiday
A week in Devon contrasted against Cuba somewhat. But it was Squidge’s first holiday and it was honestly heaven. We were just a family. Time was a concept that went out the window and I felt so peaceful. Squidge took the lead on our activities and we showered her with attention and it was bliss. It taught me that my family is the centre of everything for me, and put me at peace with the idea that work will have to end soon, because my body demands it. I have so many much more enjoyable days at home to look forward to.
I know it probably feels like I am bragging horrendously. Maybe I am. I apologise, that’s not the intention.
2019 has been a year of self care for me. Investing in CBT courses and private therapy because I did not feel at peace with myself, despite the enormous blessing of my family. It has been hard not to slip back into the lingering darkness that is depression. It has been hard to fight against the voice in my head, which I believe implictly to be myself, which seems so angry at me.
But it has been the most important battle. Highlights like the ones listed above show me how much I have achieved, when there was a time in my youth I honestly believed I wasn’t capable of achieving anything. It is so important for me to recognise the things I have done well, to recognise the invaluable support I have had from my family, whom I love so much.
More than anything though, as I took a deep breath on New Year’s Eve, I realised that I am worthy of each of these blessings. Some are made of good fortune and luck, but others I have seriously had to work at. I deserve happiness. I do. Because what is life without it?
Wasted. And in this body, with the challenges I have to face year in and year out, I really don’t have that much left to waste. And life itself will never stop challenging any of us will it? So why fight it? Why spend so much time feeling drained for battling against the things I cannot control? My energy is too precious, time is too damn precious.
2020 I shall strive to make the most of them both.
I sincerely hope you do too.
Happy New Year.