Yesterday, I walked with Squidgelet to the end of our street and purchased a walker.
My teenage self is disgusted with me. Scoffs that I have given up.
My 2 year old daughter didn’t bat an eye.
That morning she walked halfway to the library for Rhymetime holding onto the pram. All I had to do was tell her where to hold.
“No let go of pram” she promised me faithfully. There was no question that she would. She understands she needs to listen.
I showed her where to hold the walker. It was exactly the same. I was so proud of her.
I text Kev to say it had been bought. He told me he was proud of me for making such a huge step for my independence even if my pride was hurt and my 14 year old self sulking indefinitely.
“I know it’s a good thing…” I typed, “…but I feel so defeated and defined by it and it breaks my heart.”
It felt unnatural to rely on it, even if I know it’s not for all the time. It felt, rightly or wrongly, like my capabilities came in second after this unsightly lump of metal.
I started to cry, as softly as I could. I couldn’t help it. I was grieving, letting my teenage self let out her disappointment. After all, I never knew this is where I’d be at 30 years old. I don’t know what I could have expected when the medical profession and support services stayed tellingly silent. But I never thought being 30 would look quite like this.
Squidgelet frowned when she saw me wipe my eyes. “Mummy ow?”
“No darling. Mummy not ow. Mummy sad. What would you like to watch? Wiggles?”
She pondered it for a moment. “No Wiggles. Photos.”
All our photos slideshow on our TV.
Looking at me, photo after photo, she asked “Look Mummy, who’s that?”
With her beautiful big heart, Squidgelet distracted me from my tears.
Mummy proud, Squidgelet. Mummy so proud of you.