Love Letter to My Family – Almost Complete

My darlin’ “Baby One”, Squidgelet

Tomorrow, you will become a big sister. You will be the baby no more. You have things you want to teach the new baby, like a love for Blaze & the Monster Machines! You have promised to help faithfully with caring for the baby, apart from poos, because “they’re smelly”.

I love you. I am so proud of you. Your resilience, your empathy and understanding have blown me away. I have worried about you so much through this lockdown and have felt such heavy guilt that your world was taken from you, just as the biggest change of all was coming. I am so sorry for that, so sorry that Mummy will be so vulnerable for so long.

But I cannot wait to see the look on your face the first time we get to lay our baby in your arms. Because this baby, that we have waited so long and patiently for, belongs to us all. You will be a fantastic big sister and teacher. After all, it’s having you in our world that taught both your dad and me how much we wanted to be able to do this again. So I look upon our new baby as a gift from you, because being your mummy has been the greatest pride and treasure of my life. No number of new siblings could change that.

You are the girl that made Mummy braver and stronger. I promise to keep trying. Thank you for belonging with me. I can’t wait to take you along on this next adventure! Love you always, little lady who will always be my Baby One, because you were my first little love.

Hello, my “Baby Too”!

Welcome to the world little one! It will be so incredible to finally see your face. Unlike with your big sister, I have not been able to peek in on you in there and find out whose nose you have. Your beautiful face is a mystery until we meet tomorrow.

I am so nervous. You are still just a dream. One I wanted to live in so many ways that the world disallowed as life and the pandemic set in. You have lived through a very stressful time in there. Please know I did my best to protect you from it all. I will always be doing my best for you and your big sister.

You will have such a partner in crime there. I cannot wait to see the two of you grow together. I’m sorry I have not been able to give you everything I wanted to as you bumped and nudged around in Mummy’s tummy. I have been worrying about my health, your sister adapting to your place in our little family. I don’t know yet how it will go, but I want you to know that your Daddy and I have wanted you for so long and when you are placed in my arms tomorrow, I know our little family will be complete. I can’t believe I got so lucky.

Love always, my “Baby Too”, I cannot wait to meet you and start living the life I always thought was a dream too far away. Look at us, we’re doing it!

My darlin’ Kev,

So 2020 has been a whirlwind of pain, stress and worry and were it not for the little baby we’ll get to meet tomorrow, I’m pretty sure we’d be happy to drink the whole year away and pretend it never happened. But it has and most importantly of all, we have all survived.

We’re here to start a new adventure together. I’m sorry I have been so frightened and disbelieving. The baby has been just a concept for so long, I still don’t know that that little human baby will seem real until they’re with us, bawling just like Squidgelet was.

I know you know I’m scared to be vulnerable again. But I couldn’t do it for anyone but you. Thank you so much for always taking care of me, even when you despair of me so because I cannot entertain the idea that I have my own strength and capabilities. Thank you for being able to see them for me and for never once in our whole ten years letting me forget that they exist.

I am so proud to have built my family with you. You are the best daddy I could have chosen for our children. The happiest I have ever been is seeing you look at Squidge with such love and knowing that through all our struggles; mine as a disabled mummy and you as the man so dedicated to supporting me; that I did that for you both, that you wanted me to. I know this isn’t the world we’d have hoped to bring our babies into, but, as of tomorrow, we’re all here, aren’t we? We’re going to be together forever. That makes me feel strong and so, so happy. I know where I belong. With you, you wonderful, stubborn man, ever determined to care for us all.

I can’t believe we’re going to be complete. It wasn’t so long ago I didn’t know if I was brave enough to have another baby. But I didn’t need to know did I? You saw it in me and that was enough. Thank you so much. I can’t wait to do us all proud.

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